How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Calvinists: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholics: Two, one to change the bulb, and a priest to hear the confession and give the bulb last rites.

Orthodox: Change? We'll need to have a few councils to discuss having a council to determine to change it or not.

Southern Baptists: 109. Seven on the Light Bulb Task Force Sub-committee, who report to the 12 on the Light Bulb Task Force, appointed by the 15 on the Trustee Board. Their recommendation is reviewed by the Finance Executive Committee of 5, who place it on the agenda of the 18 member Finance Committee. If they approve, they bring a motion to the 27 Member church Board, who appoint another 12 member review committee. If they recommend that the Church Board proceed, a resolution is brought to the Congregational Business Meeting. They appoint another 8 member review committee. If their report to the next Congregational Business Meeting supports the changing of a light bulb, and the Congregation votes in favor, the responsibility to carry out the light bulb change is passed on to the Trustee Board, who in turn appoint a 7-member committee to find the best price in new light bulbs. Their recommendation of which hardware is the best buy must then be reviewed by the 23 member Ethics Committee to make certain that this hardware store has no connection to Disneyland. They report back to the Trustee Board who then commissions the Trustee in charge of the Janitor to ask him to make the change. By then the janitor discovers that one more light bulb has burned out.

Episcopalians: 300. One to call an electrician. The rector, assistant rector, deacon, and seminarian to lead the ceremony blessing the new bulb. The church secretary to make up the special bulletin insert with the bulb-blessing ceremony, including congregational responses: "Do you, the people of St. Alban's, promise to support this bulb in its work on behalf of the church?" "We do, with God's help!" The choirmaster/organist to write and arrange a special Blessing of the Bulb Anthem: "Phos 100-Watt GE Soft White" and 12 choir members to sing it. An acolyte and two torch-bearers to sit around looking bored and making faces at each other. And 278 people in the pews thinking, "Is this service EVER going to end?" Following the service, two people storm out of the church pissed because the old bulb was given in memory of their late grandmother. Six people will form a Society for the Preservation of the Light Bulb and meet regularly to drink brandy and talk about the first annual Light Bulb Festival (which never seems to get off the ground).

Anglo-Catholics: None, candles only!

United Methodists: This statement was issued: "We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that a light bulb works for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb (or light source, or non-dark resource), and present it next Sunday at the Service of Light, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted - all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved --you can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish."

Nazarene: Four ladies. One to carefully unscrew the bulb. One to wrap it carefully and another to package it. The fourth to mail it to the mission field.

Independent Christian: Only one, because any more might result in too much cooperation.

Church of Christ: Five. One to change the bulb, and four to serve refreshments.

Lutherans: We read that we are to so fear and love God that we cannot by our own effort or understanding comprehend the replacement of an electromagnetic photon source. It is, rather by faith, NOT by our efforts (effected toward the failed worldly incandescence), that we truly see, and that our own works cannot fully justify us in the presence of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Of course, it is still dark...

United Church of Christ: Don’t be so intolerant. What if the light bulb has chosen an alternative lifestyle?

Presbyterians: Well, it should require about five committees to review the idea first. If each is staffed with half a dozen members, that’s what … Thirty? Do we have a quorum?

Anglicans: Light-bulb changing is placed on the agenda of the diocesan convention, where much hot air is expelled in discussion of the gender and status of light-bulb changers. The anglo-catholics insist that God has devolved the sacramental office of light-provider (see Genesis 1) onto the ordained male priests of His Church. The evangelicals agree that light-bulb changing is the proper province of males, since the Bible states that not a few virgins (female) allowed their lamps to go out, thus proving that women can't be trusted in the realm of illumination. However, they disagree about the exclusion of male laity, arguing that since lay-persons are allowed to change fuses, a function closely related to the provision of light, there is no reason why they shouldn't go all out and change the bulb as well. In the end, however, there are at least three: one to finally change the bulb, and at least two to storm out if the changer is a woman.

Neo-evangelicals: No one knows. They can't tell the difference between light and darkness

Quakers: Ten to sit around in a circle until one feels the inner light.

Christian Scientists: None. There is no such thing as a burnt-out light bulb.

Brethren: CHANGE?!?!

Amish: What's a light bulb?